RSSBOOK REVIEW:NICE GIRLS DON’T GET THE CORNER OFFICE
February 3, 2008
As women, our social conditioning teaches us to be kind, cooperative, to get along, and keep the peace. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could behave in this way that comes so naturally, and be perceived in the way we intend…as kind and nice?
Here is how we’re really perceived : WEAK. And not just by men, but other women as well. We all respond to similar body language cues.
Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office
Dr. Lois Frankel is president of a California-based consulting firm that specializes in executive coaching, leadership development, and team building. From her experience in listening to thousands of women and men, she has written this book. It is about empowerment. The book describes, and solves, 101 mistakes that women unconsciously make that sabotage their careers.
In the picture below, the View Video link in NOT active (but the quote is good). The video, her other books, and a lot of other great material can be viewed at Dr. Frankel’s website.
Find yourself in this book
Dr. Frankel has organized this book to be easy to read, but gives you lots to think about in terms of your own behavior. You will find sections about How You Sound, How You Look, How You Brand and Market Yourself, and many more. Each section is broken down into one or two-page examples to illustrate approximately 20 cases of how typically female behavior is detrimental to career advancement. Practical and effective strategies to solve each problem are offered with each case.
The talk is straight. There is no psychology to wade through. She practices what she preaches, by speaking plainly and getting to the point. There is an introductory chapter that gives us a sense of why women behave as we do. We were taught certain behaviors as girls, and had them reinforced by family, media, and society all our lives. Dr. Frankel’s mission is to convince us that we are strong enough to take back the power and control that we continually give away.
I would wager that there is not a woman reading this who would not find something, or more likely ten things, that she could apply to herself. If she’s out there, I’ve never met her. This is so ingrained in us that we don’t see it ourselves. Once you know what to look for, and see it in others, you can apply a few subtle changes and be amazed at the response. You’ll show your daughters that a woman can be powerful and in control of any situation.
In the workplace, men are like dogs
When it comes to power, the social behaviour of men resembles the hierarchy of a dog pack. They comprehend the concept of leader much better than love. They have no understanding of kind vs. unkind; but they instinctively and easily grasp weaker vs. stronger.
I’m not saying men are like this outside the workplace. Oh,no.
If you can learn to play the game by their rules, you can instantly change how you are judged by colleagues and clients. The workplace is not about being liked or getting along. It’s a team sport but if you want to move up, you have to be the one to get the ball in the net. At work, that’s called success.
No offense intended. None taken.
Is it fair? No. But these rules were in place before women were a common feature of business life. It’s not the men’s fault. They have their own set of mistakes to contend with. It will change. It is changing.
It’s easy to be intimidated by the male corporate world. It looks very busy and terribly important. Or is it terribly busy and very important? I can never remember. If you resist getting hung up in blaming anyone for the male advantage, you may find what many women do as they climb higher. They take a look around and say “Is this what’s going on up here? It’s just a bunch of suits! I can do this.”
Just learn the rules. Think honestly about yourself when you read Dr Frankel’s book. The suggestions may be different but they are not difficult. A little practice, small steps to start, same as every other change. Explore unknown territory. You’ll like the result.
Make a strong impression…fast!
It was fascinating to see how people respond immediately to Dr. Frankel’s advice. It’s instantaneous. You can see them adjusting their reaction to you. You can actually turn it on and off.
The first things I practiced were to stand like a man – legs slightly apart – and to avoid smiling or tipping my head to the side when I spoke. Men can smile when they speak, but if women do it, it just softens the message. The first day, the first appointment, the first time I tried it, the response was remarkable.
The following day, I wore a shirt and tie, just to see the effect. I’ve never gotten so many compliments on an outfit. The shirt wasn’t even my color! It seems that everyone, at every level, responds to the same visual cues that signify strength, dominance, leadership, and security.
Don’t misunderstand me. Dr. Frankel is not saying to act like a man. Women can’t do it credibly and why would we want to? She is saying to act like the woman you are, instead of like the girl you were taught to be, and she tells you just how to do it.
Empowered women
You will be taken more seriously in whatever aspect of your life you choose to apply the suggestions. It works in the workplace, and at home, at your kids’ school, at the Mary Kay party you’re giving.
As you absorb the new way you are treated, you will take yourself more seriously too. You won’t feel so wishy-washy about how you present yourself. You’ll be much more confident in defending what is important to you. Part of the process is learning to convince yourself; in fact, that is the whole process.
Men will not see this as confrontational. Other women might, and you might feel that way yourself. It’s time we all grew up. We stopped being girls long ago. We’re empowered women now and we can learn to act the part.
Comments
3 Responses to “BOOK REVIEW:NICE GIRLS DON’T GET THE CORNER OFFICE”
Got something to say? I hope so.
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A Greener Tea
Web Maintenence by Rick Beckman
Bought the book and have since recommended it to my friend who has two daughters. I am in the process of going through it. Quite well laid out and so readable (is that an actual word?) My own daughter will be receiving her own copy during her study break from university otherwise mine would disappear back to Mount Allison. I will continue to tell all and every woman I know about this book. Incredibly simple things to do that can change your life.
I am reading this book as well as Gail Evans book. I went back to school/work 3 years ago after staying home with my children. Being in a male dominated field just flusters me. The men I understand a lot of what they do but the women before me who have been successful do so by being more man like - no makeup, no dresses, small families if any at all, and no hint of domestic abilities. I want to understand the work world and the rules, but I also want to forge a new path.
Two tips I wish I had read before - don’t bring food to the office, and don’t let them see you cry. I didn’t get it before but I get it now and I agree.
It really comes down to you have to decide what it is that you want - spell it out in excruciating detail, and weigh what you want with what you do and figure out if you can do both. That is what it takes to be successful in the working world.
Chris,
I understand your frustration completely but you’re well on your way to figuring this out. Just by asking the question, you’ve laid all the groundwork necessary for an answer.
What those books brought me was awareness of my actions and words that I didn’t have before. I can see how I am perceived, and what I do to make it so, better than before. I agree with you that the advice is correct.
The first women to enter the male work world were “mannish”. They looked it, they acted it, and they made the sacrifices to live it. I am grateful to them for all those things because they opened the doors for the rest of us.
I also agree that you have to clearly define what you want for yourself. Two things have surprised me over and over though. The first is how easily both men and women respond with “Oh, is that what you want? I didn’t understand that. But sure, it’s fine, no problem”. People don’t hear us because we’re so wishy-washy in expressing it.
The second thing that always stops me in my tracks is how fast, like instantly, people change their reaction to you in accordance with your behavior. Just stand differently and they address you differently. Look a little different and they’ll grant you a whole new authority.
Is it all rather artificial? Oh sure. So is the bluster and strut of the male work world. But we can find our way within it more easily by accomodating (if not incorporating) some of it. It really is a game. As always in life, you can’t change everyone else - but you sure can change yourself.
Once you’ve had time to digest and practice the ideas in those books, I’d love to hear more about what you mean by “a new path”. Are you thinking of finding a work/home/self balance that works for you, or something else?